A savage bile rose in Tanya’s throat as she heard Martin talk to his mother on the phone. His patient, understanding and placating voice made Tanya want to cut the wire on the land line and smash up his cell phone. She wanted to feel his soft responsiveness – she wanted to be his one and only. Despite five years of living with Martin, Tanya was still competing with Martin’s mother for the top spot in his attentions. Tanya reached boiling point after being ignored by Martin’s mother at a family gathering. It made her feel as unimportant and insignificant as the day her single mother took her at the age of six to live with an aunt, and disappeared. Martin’s promises to stand up for her, and his lame efforts to make sure she was recognized as his partner were as hollow as her mother’s promise to come back for her.
Family life and responsibilities were cut and dried for Tanya. There was only one family portrait that was worth hanging on the wall. The zoom lens captured Martin and Tanya holding hands, with everyone else in the background. This was the fight of her life. It was her chance to insist on having a relationship on her terms, canceling out the helplessness she felt as a child.
Martin was attracted to Tanya’s strong will, determination and independence. He envied her confidence to do as she pleased. He loved her ability to be direct and up front about what she thought and felt. There was something comforting in her certainty. Ever since his father died Martin had been the man in the family. He basked under the crown of maternal adoration, yet dreamed of being bold enough to be his own man. Each time the waves of independence crested inside him, they immediately crashed on the sands of guilt, and the threat of losing his mother.
” I expect you to be with me at my office awards function tomorrow” Tanya threw out at Martin as he got off the phone with his mother.
” Look Tanya, I know it is an important day for you, but my mother isn’t doing well. Her blood pressure is up, and I need to take her to the doctor ” replied Martin pleading to be let off the hook.
” Her blood pressure is always high, and you fall for it every time! What about my blood pressure? I’m sick of playing second fiddle. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. If you care about our future together, you will come to my office party tomorrow ” Tanya snarled back.
” She doesn’t always report the side effects of her medication so I need to be there to get it all straight. You know I can’t be fully present with you if I am worrying about her.” Martin said, ending the battle.
Seething with anger and humiliation Tanya stormed off. For the next few days she donned the hat of supreme self-reliance banishing Martin from her heart and mind. As time wore on, Martin felt depleted. Playing the responsible son didn’t feel so good anymore. He had lost his life line to his partner, the symbol of his position as a mature man in the world. Struggling with feelings of shame and self-disgust he made frantic efforts to penetrate Tanya’s well sealed sanctuary.
In her fortress Tanya shifted from righteous indignation towards loneliness and hurt. She spurned Martin’s efforts to repair the breach, until hurt and isolation overwhelmed her pride. Eventually their mutual hunger to restore the status quo propelled them to forgive one and other. Both vowed to be more understanding and supportive during times of conflict.
Martin’s Deal
• He feels very little power in his life, fearing being engulfed by women.
• When his mother’s pull feels suffocating, he sways towards Tanya, borrowing from her independent streak.
• Stifled by Tanya’s demands, he uses his filial duties as an escape route.
• Having two women to answer to means neither can possess him or swallow him alive.
• He gets his power from frustrating both women while keeping the lions share of himself for himself.
Tanya’s Deal
• She feels very little power in her life, fearing being unworthy of true long term commitment.
• When Martin chooses his mother over her, fear burns fiercely, and she becomes even more demanding.
• She is envious of the close bond Martin has with his mother, something she was robbed of with her own mother.
• Having full ownership of Martin’s time is the only proof of love she is willing to accept, reducing her chances of receiving what Martin is able to give.
• She feels her power through exercising what she feels are legitimate demands.
Both Tanya and Martin share a sense of powerlessness. Tanya has gained full independence from her family which becomes the hook that Martin gets caught on. It’s what he wants too but is too scared to allow himself. So he gets it vicariously from Tanya. In Tanya’s case she wants evidence of commitment so who better to try and get it from than a man who is tied to his mother. What a prize that would be!
Unhooking from the power pegs
• Martin has to develop boundaries that are able to safeguard him from fear of being engulfed.
• Martin needs to experiment with acting on his own initiative and build his emotional muscles
• Tanya needs to play with her definition of love, making it more elastic and allowing for ebbs and flows depending on circumstance
• Tanya needs to tell herself that she doesn’t have to win a war in order to be worthy of being loved.
Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
By: Jeanette Raymond
Posts Tagged ‘Boiling Point’
Prove You Love Me – Four Tips on Unhooking From the Power Struggle
March 18th, 2010It’s Just Sport, Right – Or is It?
November 19th, 2009
Didier Drogba to play for France in the next world cup; Lionel Mesi to switch citizenship and join Spanish squad; Samuel Eto’o to wear England Color in South Africa 2010.
If any of those titles were to grace the cover on international Newspapers, many in Argentina, Cameroon and Cote d’Ivoire would scream treason, betrayal and call for murder. The horror of seeing their prodigal sons represent the color of a foreign nation will undoubtedly pierce the heart of their countrymen, dash the hopes of international recognition and generate such a frustration capable of engendering the most heartfelt nationalism.
Why would such be the case? Shouldn’t people choose the team or country they want to represent? What are the criteria that would permit an immigrant to represent his or her adoptive country?
In some circles, the debate rages up to the boiling point of anti-immigration, and anti-Semitism. Especially if the immigrant has distinctive features (some say race) that singles him or her as a definite foreigner.
Arguments range from patriotism, nationalism, ethnocentrisms, pro and anti-immigration, degrees of ancestry, contribution to the nation, birthrights and length of stay. Mind you that those arguments rarely surface when it is about carrying a gun and going to war…but that’s another topic…
So who’s right, who’s wrong? During the Euro 2008 soccer tournament, The Turkish team boasted five foreign-born players, including Colin Kazim-Richards, originally of England. Portugal also had five. Croatia and France had seven each. And four of the five strikers on the German national team were not born in Germany. France is very notorious for sleeping with foreigners who can run behind a ball, and ditching those who ran after a work permit.
The issue is very divisive, and often generates racial and political fallout. What’s the big deal, one may say, everyone should choose where they want to play if the rules allow it; well, they could actually if we’re talking about the Professional club level, the issue is quite different at the international stage, and a lot more hypocritical.
No big deal when Nigerian-born NBA superstar Hakeem Olajuwon was naturalized U.S citizen and played for the 1996 U.S Olympic squad, but what a controversy when WNBA star Becky Hammon chose Russia over the U.S
Another interesting case was those of brothers Salomon and Bonaventure Kalou who almost ended up playing in the same world cup representing two different countries.
While those cases reflects the growing meaninglessness of citizenship as well as the opportunity to break down misplaced nationalism, it offers a glance at a very familiar issue: it is all about the moolah, l’argent, le peze, mbongo, the money, paper, le fric…
When guns, diplomatic channels, sanctions, and other traditional means by which governments often interact are inefficient, nations use soft power to convey messages of supremacy and prosperity.
Nations compete for the right to host International events such as the Olympics and the world cup. Masquerade in the costumes of nationalism and patriotism, those events mainly generate revenues. They attract tourists, they create jobs, they present a different image of a country, and they offer potentially long-term investments.
The budget for the 2012 London Olympics has risen to 15 billion; China invested 40 Billion in infrastructure projects for the 2008 Olympics. There is a lot of money to be made in those events, and not just for the governing bodies. Countries with winning teams get on top of prize money, recognition and fame that translate into positive national image, boost in merchandise sales, and one of the most effective tools for recruitment and defection.
Politics is never too far from those games because along with the national image is attached the perception of economic, technological, health and prosperity wellness.
Many Western leaders flirted with boycotting the opening ceremony under pressure over a host of politically awkward issues involving China, a move that wouldn’t have been the first sporting boycott due to political reasons.
Sporting events successes produces prestige, which is then transformed into financial gains, which often result in political posture. The mark of a great nation is to succeed in every category; to achieve that, some are willing to bypass the symbolism that is attached with the cultural exchange supposed to be conveyed in those events. Some will go along with naturalization, as far as doping, sabotage or political pressure.
The cultural element of the event has been substituted by the corporate hold on the event. For some, it doesn’t matter who carries the flag as long as it represents their currency, for others, it doesn’t matter how high their flags is held because their bellies is touching their toes.
Claude Makelele was born in Kinshasa, but plays for France soccer national team, Yang Fen is now from Brazzaville Congo by way of China, and the African Champion of female table tennis…
Attachment to the color of a nation, or the bond between a team and the people it represents are les and less relevant, what matters today is who can win and for whom. International competitions are now governed by the same practices of professional clubs; while this is a sad time for the ultra patriot purist, it is a good thing for sport lovers, because when our colors are no longer worn by our own, and our own no longer wear our colors, we find less and less reasons to support a particular flag or a player, except for the very obvious reason…the sport they play.
So a Nigerian doesn’t play for Nigeria, and a Pakistani plays for Nigeria, for once it is no longer about nationalism, Patriotism, etc….it’s only about one thing:
Sport, right…or is it?
By: Regis Zoula
